Day 3: Consciously imagine how they would be like today. Write it down and feel it all

This day comes courtesy of my friend Ana Corina Sosa. I have no idea when we met each other, but we were definitely kids. So it’s been A LONG time. We’ve always had friends in common and when I lived back home we were part of some of the same friendship groups. I’ve never told her this, and she will find out when we reads this for approval, but Ana Corina was one of the few people with babies that I didn’t unfollow in 2016. Her first daughter (an exact replica of her) was born in July 2016. Olivia’s due date was July 7th. Whilst I was beyond happy for all my friends and their 2016 babies, I just couldn’t take part in smiling when my heart was literally broken. But I couldn’t stop seeing her updates because I day dreamed with her timeline. Olivia looked so much like me, so I wondered if I too would have a “Polly Pocket”.

The first thought I had when I I found out Ana Corina was pregnant with her first son was if he too would look exactly like her. So when 4 months after, I heard the news that her son had died and I felt like someone punched me in the face. I always thought that Olivia would be here if I had been in Venezuela when everything happened, doctors are beyond careful and constantly check the baby and the placenta. So I couldn’t believe this had happened to someone who I knew so well. I later found out that Ana Corina had some bad news when she was 26 weeks pregnant, she didn’t believe it and went for a second opinion and things got a bit more complicated. She thought (like I did) that everything would be somehow fine when he got here. Unfortunately, Ana Corina’s son joined Olivia in magic land in September 2018.

This is the post that Ana Corina put on social media when she shared her son with the world (translated from Spanish):

“My beloved baby! There are so many things that I would like to write to you or be able to explain to you... You made me very happy for the 9 months that you were curled up in my belly... If someone granted me a wish, I would ask for an eternal pregnancy... One in which this end would never come. I thought I had prepared myself, but no... There is no human way to prepare to live this... Although I don't understand it and literally feel that I split open in pain, I had to return you to God the day you arrived and I will have to imagine for the rest of my life what it would have been like to see you grow up... With you, the person I was is now gone, my innocence and a piece of my heart will always accompany you. I am grateful for the little while that I was able to see you, hold you and kiss you and I would go through everything again just to relive that moment. Little son of my life... Never think that I forget you... Nobody is going to replace you. I will imagine you in every soccer game, in every Lego, in every superhero costume... You came to teach me many things but above all that life is not what one wants or plans but what God has prepared for us... Now I know, Thanks to you, I can do difficult things because I have already done the impossible. I hope you know that I would have given my life for yours without thinking about it... But I have had to understand that rather you came to give yours so that your dad, your sister and I are better... You are our hero and we will always remember you as such. Enjoy Heaven, I imagine it cooler than Disney for you! If there were visiting days, I promise I would be the first to arrive and run to hug you. Take care of us and hope that one day we will meet again. We love you very much, your daddy, your sister and me”

When I asked Ana Corina to take part in this I wasn’t sure she was going to say yes, but she jumped head in and this is the text she later sent me: I normally do this every year, but I don’t know if this is too sad. “Sit and imagine for a day how he/she would be like… His eyes, his laugh, his personality, his favourite superhero… Write it down and cry. It’s ok.”

I don’t think this is sad at all and I LOVE this idea so much and I’ve actually been doing this for a while. I started doing this after my dad died in 2005. Many times in my life I wonder what he would say about this, how would his relationship be with Pierre, would he visit me often? I sometimes even have full conversations with him out loud. A few years later, one of my uncles (Netos) died very unexpectedly and I also started talking to him and thinking of how much he would’ve loved to be at my wedding. I talk to both of them quite often, even about mundane things like what I’m eating today (my favourite subject). This is all based on all the great memories I have of them and all the things we were lucky enough to share.

Then Olivia died, and all I had was hopes and dreams of who she would be. I honestly think I got to know her very well when she was here in my belly. We were very in sync during those 37 weeks, I knew her favourite foods, what kind of music she liked, what gave her hiccups and what would make her jump to give me high fives. But that was it, I don’t get to hear her voice when I have conversations with her, I don’t get to know what colour her eyes were, the sound of her voice or which family member in Encanto would she like best. This is where Ana Corina’s idea comes to play. Every now and then I give myself permission to dream on who Olivia would be, what would make her have a full blown tantrum, would she like tickles, would she be cuddly or not interested in hugs? I know she loved the book “But not the Hippopotamus”, would she still like it at almost 6?

I think about this quite often, but I’ve never given myself the space to really explore my thoughts and imagination and feel whatever comes. Today is the day, wish me luck!