Day 4: Go strawberry picking or get some & make a smoothie or summery dessert

Aggie and I started working together when I was pregnant with Eloise, so she never knew my old “whole” self. We were nice to each other but we really never had full conversations I think partly because I was terrified of the world when I was pregnant with Eloise and I didn’t want anything new that could shift things, so I stayed far. When I came back to work in 2019 we bonded over some tough times with our jobs and I remember thinking: Why didn’t we become friends sooner, she’s so awesome! She went on to go on mat leave in summer and I followed shortly in September of 2019. And then COVID happened, and the world changed (not for the better) and then we went “back to work” in f fully remote environment unable to connect with others as much… so I thought. During that fully remote work I made some extremely meaningful connections, one of those with Aggie. We both felt like we had been through a war and were a bit disoriented in this new world. She was amazing at guiding me and I just got the benefit of becoming friends with such a cool person!

In September last year (2021) Aggie confided in me that she was pregnant, she was super excited to be having a boy and we talked for a while about second pregnancies, kids and mostly I kept telling her how amazing she looked. That same week we talked again and she told me she was worried that she hadn’t felt him moving yet (she was 20 weeks) and we agreed that she would ask the midwives but it was probably too soon and it would also depend on where her placenta was. I think it was the day after or two days after at most that I got a message from our friend Jackie telling me Aggie had received the worst news in the world and wanted to reach out to me. I cried for her and her son, even before I talked to her or new what happened. I reached out and we have been growing as closer friends ever since.

Before I tell Aggie’s story, I want to make you aware that this (and other posts this month) talk about Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR). If you can show up here with an open heart then please read on.

Charles Dawborn (Charlie) was born on October 4th 2022 and passed away shortly after in his mom’s arms. The day Aggie went for her 20 week scan they received the news that Charlie had some issues that would mean his life would slowly end in her belly and he would be suffering. So the doctors asked them what they wanted to do knowing full well that there was no alternate reality here. I can’t imagine being in that position and the heartbreak and strength Aggie and Tom must have felt when they made the decision to get induced so that they would get to meet Charlie and he would get to pass away being hugged by his mom and dad.

This is what Aggie told me when I asked her how much of her story I could share “Feel free to share as much as you want about Charlie. I want people to know more about the heartbreak behind TFMR, especially given the situation in the US. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the pain of having to carry him to term knowing that the lack of amniotic fluid he had would mean he was hurting and then for him to just pass away a few hours after birth. It was the most heartbreaking decision of my life but at least I HAD the choice and the choice was to not let him suffer.”

I’ve seen people (especially lately), have no empathy towards someone that decides to terminate a pregnancy even without knowing the full story. This angers me in unimaginable ways. The heartbreak of losing a child is inexplicable. Then add the feeling of knowing you have to take that step because it is literally the best and kindest option for your baby. The last thing those parents need is judgement, all they need is compassion and infinite love. There will be more stories like Aggie’s this month and I am honoured that these women said yes to me sharing their stories so everyone can hear the mother’s side here.

As for the activity, Aggie was really into strawberries when Charlie was in her belly and I think they even went to pick some. I’ve never picked strawberries and I’ve always wanted to do this; and although I’m in France today and there are zero farms around here, I ate a mountain of strawberries with all my girls and I will go to that farm in June.