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That’s how many days have passed since Olivia was born. That is how many days have passed since the only day I got to spend with my first daughter outside of my belly. Not a single day has passed when I don’t think about her, say her name or miss her more than any word could express.

This year, dates and days align perfectly to mimic 2016. This Saturday was my amazing baby shower… and the first time that I went to the hospital because she wasn’t moving as normal. I’m always reliving everything that happened, I constantly play life in those days, the good moments and the bad moments. This year feels a bit more everything.

A bit of a “not fun” fact, I haven’t been able to go to the regular bathrooms at work since Thursday the 16th of June 2016. It was there that I realised something was really wrong, I said to myself outloud: she’s floating. I filled my bottle of water and left to go to the hospital. I’ve never been back there and I don’t intend to do so any time soon.

This is the sixth iteration of Olivia’s calendar and a VERY special one at that. In past years I’ve been asking friends and family for ideas on activities and I’ve loved how everyone has gotten involved. This year’s “guests” are linked to me on another level besides being my friends and family. Besides a few activities that I’ve kept for myself, almost every activity has been given to me by a fellow loss mom.

Not all losses have been the same and you will read more from each of them on their day, but the one constant is loss. All of us did everything right, all of us loved those babies from that positive pregnancy test, and all of us are living without one or more of our children.

This is the most important calendar I’ve done so far. I want the world to hear every voice and story that wants to be told, I want everyone to understand that this can truly happen to anyone and that there is nothing to be “ashamed” of. I feel like we are the ones often carrying the “scarlet letter”, and that some people feel that our stories shouldn't be told because we are going to scare others or bring the happy pregnancy moods down. I wholeheartedly disagree. 

Until the 16th of June 2016, I had no idea healthy babies could die at 37 weeks of a perfect pregnancy. Nobody had ever told me it happened to them, I never saw a movie or TV show that said it could happen, so it literally didn’t register as a possible reality. If I had known, I wouldn’t have left the hospital on the 15th, I would’ve stayed hooked to a machine until she came safely. Olivia’s death could’ve been avoided. If only I had known she could die. I wish I had read one or two of the hundreds of stories I know now, that would’ve given me more tools to know that I should’ve trusted my connection with her and to stop the midwives every time they told me she was fine, she’s running out of room. I know people know how devastating Olivia’s death was for me, I know my loved ones hurt with me for me and for that little girl that they so eagerly waited for. I know everyone understands the magnitude of my loss (also because I won’t stop talking about it!). This is my story.

Throughout June, we hope to bring awareness to many other stories of loss: the ones where sadly nothing could’ve been done, the devastating ones where parents had to make the most difficult decision of their lives and some like mine. They all happened at different times and the world sees us all differently when they think about baby loss. I think we all see each other the same, mothers and parents who lost a child and would do anything to have them back.

As always, let’s make June epic!

Mariana