Olivia would've started school this year

This should’ve been a BIG year, Olivia would’ve turned 4 in June and that means she would’ve started school in September. Last year I spent some time looking at what schools I would’ve applied for day dreaming that she would get to go to any school. The day the results were announced and friends shared the good or not so good news I just kept wondering: would we have gotten good news? Not sure about it thinking how 2020 is going! But for the rest of the day I was stuck in all the what ifs a bit more than normal.

As I did 365 days ago, I’m sad that I haven’t written anything here in so long! I have plenty to say, realised people have emailed me here (apologies for not replying sooner, I promise I’ll get on it now) and still I haven’t managed to find a groove in my new normal to find time to be here, sharing. I hope next time I write something is not the 30th of May 2021, but much sooner.

My life has changed a lot since last year. We are beyond lucky and struck gold again with a third perfect daughter, Apolline. She was born in October last year and she definitely looks the most like Olivia and that is lovely to see. Polli has made conversations about parenting harder as well since when I talk about Eloise I don’t want to say her oldest sister, so I say older and people look confused at times. Many people have commented on how experienced I must be since this is my third child (mostly people that asked me if she was my first and I say third). Little do they know that this time around things feel a bit normal for the first time. I was crippled with panic a lot after Eloise was born. Yes, all mothers are terrified when they get to bring a baby home for the first time, and they all triple check the breathing, etc. I did all those things but I genuinely believed she had died every time something out of the ordinary happened. I still feel like my parenting mind goes to horrible places VERY easily because I’ve been there. That being said, this time around I actually left home sooner and whilst Polli also uses an Owlet sock, I give her a chance before I run to shake her thinking she’s dead if the sock has no battery. Obscure? Yes! The reality of parenting after loss? Unfortunately yes.

The world has changed a lot since last year, we are in the middle of a pandemic and most of us have been confined to our homes for at least two months. I don’t think about “let’s look at the positives of this” but I do know how things have shifted for me and how I hope they shift for all humans. Horrible things are happening to innocent people everywhere and almost nobody is doing much to stop or even support making a change. People are dying, people are getting killed, and most of us are locked at home just trying to get through another day. I seriously feel that we, at least certainly me, need this calendar more than ever.

I NEED to be reminded and remind others about the good in life and the good in others. We all need to realise that our actions, little as they may seem, can have an huge impact on others. Based on this, we need to start actually doing things that have a kindness ripple effect and that make the world slightly better. If you change one person’s day, that world improved. Hopefully they’ll do the same for others and we can all pay it forward.

I can feel this massive tangent and scattered thoughts I just went to, hope you are still reading!

This year I asked, again, some of my amazing friends for ideas on the calendar - THANK YOU!!! I’ll be sharing more each day on my Instagram and this year I will for sure expand a bit on a few activities because they deserve it and the people who gave me the extra ideas are sublime and I want to share them with the world. I really hope you (if you’re reading this), will take part on Olivia’s calendar this year. I don’t need anyone sharing anything, committing to the whole thing or even knowing me! By all means, please do all those things if you wish, but I just want the world to know: Olivia, our oldest daughter, would’ve turned four years old this year and this calendar is our birthday party for her. Te amo Osita grande, naricitas forever…