Three years and counting

It’s been exactly a year since I last posted here and I wish I would have more time to write more about Olivia, pregnancy after loss, parenting after loss and the general ups and downs life has. The reality is I haven’t. That being said, June starts in two days and with that I’m starting my awesome June in inviting everyone who wants to take part in it.

I’m back at work now and when I’m home I try to really be present in life and take full advantage of the privilege that is witnessing Eloise grow up. So I feel like putting the calendar together was even harder this year! Thankfully I have some amazing friends that gave me a few ideas and Pierre also contributed a prompt for a day.

Three days ago, the stress of not having it done or it not feeling perfect got to me I had a long talk with Pierre about the importance I put on the flowers every 19 and the calendar every June. It wasn’t the case, but I got the feeling that he seemed to be under the impression that because I generally love organising things “like this” I actually enjoyed both activities. The reality is, I hate planning a calendar and I hate that I have the flower tradition every 19. Of course I love the idea of making a stranger smile or giving some good to the world! I mean, who doesn’t like to make a difference in the world?! But I hate that I have to come up with ideas on how to keep Olivia’s memory alive to the external world when I know nobody is even asking me to. I want to be planning a  birthday party and then complain that it is too much money and that they won’t remember. I want to be able to post celebratory monthly pictures for two girls and not flowers for the oldest one. So yes, I do all these things because frankly I need to do something tangible that will make sure the world knows Olivia is in the best possible way front and center of my life. I am afraid that if I don’t talk about her the world will forget she even existed. I know people don’t mean bad at all when they talk about Eloise and they don’t mention Olivia (it happens sometimes in passing conversations, mostly your first child or a lot when I was pregnant). I know those people are honestly just talking and tend to feel a bit bad when I correct them (because I always will), but I feel the need to remind the entire world constantly about Olivia, so even once a month they remember.

The calendar specifically is also a way to try and shield myself from all the conflicting emotions June brings, I haven’t always succeeded and I sometimes don’t want to do a single thing. But I do, because just like I have to do a million things I don’t particularly want to do at a specific time for Eloise, I want to somehow do the same for Olivia. Also, what’s the alternative, acting like June is another month? Some people might think it’s crazy that I take the day off on Olivia’s birthday, celebrate in any way and plan to eat cake with some family and friends. But what am I supposed to do, act like nothing important happened on that day? Would you do that to your living child? I certainly would because I love birthdays and I know what a privilege it is to be able to celebrate them. So as much as I’d like to be organising a birthday party, I can’t, so a calendar of awesomeness for the entire month it is!

Now then, I truly hope everyone reading this will take part in having a month celebrating the most amazing things in life. You don’t have to do everything and you might even want to change a few things, whatever it is and however many days you wish to take part in, I hope you enjoy it. I believe that we each can make a difference and if we share our magic with others then they will too feel hopefully compelled to do the same. I’m sure we can all agree that the world needs more magic, no?

Happy June everyone and I’ll try to post as much as possible on my Instagram page with whatever is it we get to do in the next 30 days (31, seeing as I’m posting this on the 30th of May!). I hope you all have a great and mindful month and that this helps you and everyone around you see all the goodness life has to offer.