Capture Your Grief - Day 20. Gratitude

This one was a hard one to decide, I debated if I should write about Pierre again and how grateful I am every day that he is my husband and the father of Olivia. I also thought about how grateful I am to be alive and healthy as things can always be worse. I even thought about writing about food, because I have a true love for food and eating and feeding people makes me genuinely happy! But nothing seemed to be suitable for this... Until I was going through old pictures on Pierre's phone and found this one and thought: I was so extra happy when I was pregnant...

So, today and forever I am eternally grateful about my pregnancy with Olivia. Because I was completely oblivious to the fact that my daughter could die before she was even born, I enjoyed every second that we spent together. I loved how pure the feeling of creating life was and laughed a lot talking about how it was all really like Alien, as there was a human feeding off me! The feeling of having your baby move inside your belly is truly indescribable and the best part about being pregnant... I had 9 months of unadulterated joy and that I will only ever be possible because of Olivia.

If I am ever so lucky and have more children, I hope the fear and panic of knowing what I know now will still allow me a few moments of happiness. But clearly, each day will be a psychological challenge hoping that the outcome would be different. So yes, today I am reminded of how lucky I was to be so blissfully naive and have the best 9 months of my life creating the little girl that turned us into parents.

Olivia and I in Santa Monica, California for my birthday