The Year of Mariana

Everything feels different this year. Somehow, in the middle of chaos, my world feels brighter/more hopeful/calmer/more exciting. I started going through something last year and it ended/started towards the end of 2022 when I realised I had let myself forget ME.

I have always loved my birthdays, I love the idea of getting a new chapter on a certain date on a yearly basis. At the same time, I have a flair for the nostalgic so for the longest time I was excited for the future, and a bit too focused on a past that I couldn’t and sometimes wouldn’t change. Last year I was able to travel alone with my siblings for the first time. It was magic! We went to a very cold lake to swim and my “mysticism” reached a high with the universe nudging me that things had to change. Last year I was also able to reconnect with people I hadn’t seen or talked to for real in many years. They each had gone through different things and we seemed to pick up right were we left off. The concept of the Year of Mariana started during one of those conversations. I realised something big then: The first 40 years of my life weren’t fully mine. I was a baby, toddler, child, teenager, young adult, wannabe adult, adult who has an uncertain future, adult whose life has changed because of decisions she didn’t make, and so many more iterations of a person. Let’s be clear, a few years of people making decisions for me in the first 40 years makes complete sense. They all did the best they could with what they had and knew. They all made the decisions they deemed as best for me and them in certain times. I thank you all for it, our experiences helped shape who I am. I also made decisions (and still do on a daily basis) that I genuinely believed to be the best at the time of making them.

On to the next 40!

If it isn’t clear, I turned 40 on the 3rd of April (YAY!). So towards the end of 2022 I devised a plan to spend this year (2023) working on me and working hard to create a solid base for what I want my life to be for the next 40 years. At the time of writing this, I am in a great place, I’ve taken part in a lot of very awesome and uncomfortable soul searching and getting to know myself. I’ve understood more about my ego and how it has influenced many of my decisions, relationships and thoughts. I have gone on many journeys to understand and radically accept that some things can’t change, that I need to believe people when they show me who they are and that I also need to “stop being mad at people for not being who I want them to be”. That includes myself. I wholeheartedly recommend you go on this journeys with zero judgement. Let go of what you think you know and take that step with an open mind and heart. None of this will stop on December 31st 2023, it will just change. This year was about starting.

This year was also about reconnecting with who I am besides a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee and whatever else I am to people. I came up with a few experiences and activities that bring me back to who I really am and was before I started to work towards shifting myself in certain situations and for some people (some of who didn’t even ask!) in order to feel accepted and/or loved. I’m reconnecting with nature, I’m working on understanding my purpose and how to live/work aligned to it, I’m letting go of things that I’ve held on to because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”, I’m re-evaluating a lot of ideas and beliefs to understand if they are truly mine or if they were given to me and I just ran with them. I am living an intentional, mindful and switch on life with ME and mine.

In line with all of this, I also want to change things over here. I want to be able to help people not only from a bereaved Mother’s point of view. That will always be here and Olivia’s influence in my life is also one of the biggest reasons why I want to change things. This year’s calendar has a lot of the things that I’m doing for the Year of Mariana, some things are repeated from other calendars and some are new and very specific. Do what you can, do what you want, do nothing and just be happy!

Stay tuned for changes to come over here. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy June of 2023 and that you can have a month that makes you feel as epic as you are!