Day 24: Do something that makes your heart race (in a good way)
I don’t even know how to start this post, there is so much to say and I only have so much space. Claire and I met in 2010 (or 11?) When we became flatmates, I was looking for a gas hob and they were looking for people; so Jonas and I moved in. I had never met (still haven’t!) someone like Claire Mackenzie, she is all heart, joy, adventure, passion and fun. She is someone that lives life and does all the things we “have” to do, whilst always stating true to herself and what she believes in. Claire doesn’t compromise on her core values and when she knows something is wrong in principle, even if it doesn’t affect her. I fell in love with Claire the second we met and I’m sure there is a parallel universe where we grew up together and were family by blood. In this reality, I am beyond glad that we found each other and became chosen family for each other.
Claire is the kind of person that FULLY loves and supports her friends and family with whatever they need. I have never felt anything other than love and understanding from her (even when I deserved a bit of a slap!) Claire always leads with kindness. I know there is no topic off limits with Claire, I know that whatever I’m going through she will wrap me in her love and give me whatever I need from her at the time (hugs, words, silence, attention). People like Claire truly make the world a better place and I don’t think there is a person in the universe that after meeting Claire, doesn’t agree with this.
I first want to share a post that Claire shared in October 2018, for baby loss awareness week, alongside a picture of her in 2014,”at the beginning of my first pregnancy, when I thought baby loss was something that happened to other people” :
• At least you know you can get pregnant
• At least it was only <<insert number of weeks>>
• At least you have <<insert name of living child>>
• You can always try again
• The baby was ill, it was for the best
Things I said/thought prior to April 2014 when I heard the word ‘miscarriage’.
Now all of these things have been said to me and I know that there are no ‘at leasts’, there are no silver-linings. Just maybe things that are slightly less shit than they could have been.
I didn’t know that when you have a miscarriage often have to have an operation to remove the ‘products of conception’ aka your dearly wanted baby. 5 operations later, I do now.
I didn’t know that it would take so long to remember to stop putting your hand, protectively, to your stomach after losing your little love, I do now.
I didn’t imagine that I would ever be asked to actually choose to lose my child, having found out that his life would be extraordinarily difficult had he lived. I do now.
I wish I could go back in time and tell the me of before April ‘14 to just hug the hell out of anyone who told me that they’d lost their baby. Not to offer any platitudes, just to tell them that I am so, so sorry for their loss and tell them that if they ever need to talk about their baby; I’m here.
If you have never experienced losing a baby or your partner losing a baby, I’m so relieved for you, but please, if you hear of a friend who has, don’t be the me of 2014, just listen and hug.
Whenever I hear losing a baby is “just one of those things” I want to scream, IT SHOULDN’T BE! Claire, like many other women, was told that by medical professionals. Two or even three miscarriages are normal, they said. Normal for who? Are families supposed to just go back to work as if nothing happened and stay in the shadows because you also “shouldn’t really talk about it”?
It hasn’t been easy for Claire, she kept looking for answers as to why she miscarried and she was rarely given the space and respect she deserves. She was her own advocate from the get go, she tried to get answers for each of those babies, just like any mother does. Today I want to talk about Nico, my nephew, and Claire’s middle son. As I’ve warned with the other stories, I will be writing and sharing more on Termination for Medical Reasons; you are welcome here only if you can show up with an open heart.
On the 13th of March 2018 at 9am, Claire sent me a message telling me the news that she was pregnant but that sadly, tests confirmed the baby had a disorder that would make his life very hard to live with life long implications. Claire finished her text like this “I’ll be 15 weeks. I can’t really believe I’m writing this. I’m sorry to give you such shitty news. But I know that you’d want to know and I can’t hide it from you” I’m her family, she should never feel sorry for telling me whatever she’s going on. But we do, we are scared of saying things out loud and even writing them. Sometimes it’s because we are afraid of being judged, and others it’s because we somehow feel they are more true when they are out there.
Nico was born 4 days after that text, on the 17th of March 2018 at 4:26pm, Claire messaged me “He was tiny, like a pixie, but perfectly formed. We were lucky enough to be able to spend some time with him and I was able to hold him. We’ll never forget him”
Parents that make the impossible decision of ending a pregnancy are, for the most part, judged negatively. Why does the world do this!? Isn’t it enough with what they are going through? Three days after Nico was born I messaged Claire about ARC, the Antenatal Results and Choices charity. What she replied next broke my heart in more ways than one “I have some Sands leaflets… I feel weird about Sands. I feel that because I CHOSE to let Nico go, I sort of don’t deserve to get the help from them. But there we are, that’s my shit” She was going through the worst moment of her life and she still felt undeserved of help, because she made the hardest decision that any parent would have to make. I don’t agree with her, and I told her then, but I can understand where she was coming from in those dark moments. I mostly felt shame to the outside world after Olivia died, I hid in random places if I ran into people who saw me pregnant last time, because I would vomit otherwise. I hope Claire knows she deserves ALL the help out there to potentially make sense of what happened. I know she would think that if it was one of her friends going through such a monumental loss, why can’t we be so kind to ourselves?
I want to share another post that Claire wrote in October 2019, for baby loss awareness week:
“Mine. Yours. Your friend’s (who says she’s fine). Your co-worker’s, who was off for a few days and has come back not wanting to speak about it. For the beautiful babies have been born sleeping. For the parents who have stared at a lifeless ultrasound screen. Seen the blood in the toilet bowl.
And for anyone who has heard the words ‘I’m sorry but your baby is affected by <<fill in with heartbreaking diagnosis>>’ and then been presented with the choice of a having child who may not make it to adulthood or, just as painfully, might, but who would never known independence and what would happen when I’m not there, and who would take care of him.... A choice between that and having to decide to end this much loved pregnancy and never recover the bit of heart that broke in doing so.
Termination for Medical Reasons is often a bit skipped over when it comes to baby loss information. I wish it didn’t feel like it had to be such a dark secret. The truth is; we loved our babies just as much and the ‘choice’ is something that will indelibly mark our hearts. We are not the same after having made this choice, please don’t ask us to be.”
I always want to be more like Claire, I want to show up for others in ways only I can. Shouldn’t we all want that? She lives a colourful life for all her children, she shows up for everyone regardless of what’s going on. Claire taught me more about miscarriages than I wish I knew, she showed me first hand what TFMR does to a mother and how much love and support they need. Most importantly, Claire shows me every day that the best you can do is live your truth and do it wholeheartedly.
This one is for my nephew Nico Mackenzie Turner, you are always with us and we have cake and talk about you every 17th of March. Te amo
