Day 23: Practice self care

Mariana and I went to the same school since nursery (me) and kindergarten (her), and the reality is that we were never friends and I think that we never spoke to each other in the 13 years that we were in the same school. She is two years younger than me and, in typical dumb mindset growing up, the different years did not mix much or were very friendly with each other. We had mutual friends, but we never got to each other back then. We both knew of each other's existence and nothing more (I think) .

Then the universe (and Maia!) gave me one of the best gifts in life, when sometime between 2010 and 2011, they brought me my Marranita. I don't remember how or when, but I just know that I don't want to imagine life without her. Mariana is SO MANY things, talented, kind, funny, hard-working, sensitive, determined, friendly, loyal, and too many other qualities to fill 80 books. My friend is a ray of sunshine to everyone who knows her and once she's in your life, you never want her to leave. Mariana hasn't had it easy and she's always been very open with many of the bad times she's had... except this one. That changes today, in her own words:

“In January 2019, I was surprised to learn that my first baby was on the way. The news caught me totally off guard, and it was not the way I had envisioned my first pregnancy. This was an unplanned pregnancy, in a relationship that was still building its foundations. I was full of anguish and worried those first weeks, I didn’t feel ready to receive a baby at that time in my life. I tried to see the positive side of it, but I had a hard time feeling fully happy. I thought it was a given, and took for granted that I would become a mom that September. I became consumed with thoughts about the logistics I needed to have in place to welcome my first child. Little did I know that nothing was guaranteed. You're not supposed to lose the baby that came as a surprise. At 7 weeks, after several weeks of feeling fine, no longer nauseous and looking better, I suddenly started bleeding. My doctor then explained to me that I was losing the baby. I was in shock for several days and even thought that maybe it was a mistake and soon I would hear my baby's heartbeat. However, the consultation and scan confirmed what they had already told me, and the miracle for which I was now praying did not come true. 

I was stunned for a long time and felt like the floor was taken from me. There was nothing certain for me from then on. The process of losing my baby was very difficult since it lasted two months. Day by day I had a physical reminder - beyond the emotional and spiritual - about the baby that was leaving my body. The slowness prolonged my agony too much. During that time, and afterward, I only felt guilt for not having felt happy since I found out I was pregnant. I always thought that I was going to get used to the idea of ​​being a mother without looking for it and, I assumed, that I would have time later to get excited and focus on my baby. I came to think that I had caused the miscarriage with my negative thoughts. That this energy affected my baby and caused him/her to no longer be with me. From then on there were very hard months. I had two friends who had the same due date and I still imagine my baby growing up alongside theirs. I imagine him/her at that age and wonder what life would have been like with him/her here. I will always wonder if it was a girl or a boy, who they looked like and what their personality would have been like. It is a loss that taught me that every baby that arrives is a miracle and that, I in my innocence, took for granted.

After that loss, I lived in fear of not being able to conceive another child. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was very afraid to live the experience again. However, despite the fear, I was able to live the pregnancy from a place of knowledge and gratitude. I understood that every day that she grew in my belly was a gift and I did a lot of research on the different scenarios. Thank God my daughter came into my arms healthy, with a mother who fully understands how lucky she was to achieve such a feat. To my first baby, wherever they are, I would like to say that I carry you in my heart now and forever.”

I want to add something here that jumped out at me when I read it because it seemed very crazy and at the same time very familiar: “I came to think that I had caused the miscarriage with my negative thoughts. That this energy affected my baby and caused him/her to no longer be with me.” We all understand that this is not true, that Mariana's thoughts had nothing to do with her loss, but how difficult it is to understand that when you are the one going through this. You think about what you ate those days, how you moved, if you ran a lot, walked funny, if you slept on the wrong side, what lotion did you put on and even what you thought about for your body to betray you in such a way. 

The answer is nothing. We did absolutely nothing to make this happen, it just happened and that is what we see as the greatest injustice. It makes no sense for things to go so wrong after you did everything so right. So we try to blame it on someone thinking that it will ease the pain; and we always start with ourselves. That's something moms do a lot, we take on responsibilities that are not for us and we go through storms that aren't necessary to protect us and feel that we're giving ourselves the title of mom that we've been told we should have.

A mom who gives her all, even if what she gets in return is the worst, is a mom who is succeeding in the eyes of the world. Nobody wins here, if you give EVERYTHING and don't fill your tank, and on top of that you feel that you are to blame for what goes wrong, you will have nothing to give. Nothing was Mariana's fault, no thought made this happen, however she felt guilty for something horrible that was happening to her. I wish I could run to that moment in 2019 and sit with her and tell her that this is a VERY VERY bad time, that nothing is her fault and that she deserves only love for this and more. Let's take care of ourselves and understand that we cannot give from an empty tank. Giving everything expecting nothing in return is not a motto we should live by. 

I went off on a tangent here, but Mariana has given and taught me a lot about everything and I don't know how to encapsulate it in a single post; so I’ll finish off thinking about today's activity. Sure, do your best (when you can) and understand that there are certain things that have to do and tanks that need to be filled, so that you can present that version of yourself, ready to give it your best.