Day 15: Write down five things you’re grateful for

I start all the posts in English, this is the first one that comes naturally to me in Spanish. I think it's because my relationship with Mariava (pictured) existed long before I discovered my inner voice in English (I think we met in '98 or '99?), or maybe because we've talked a lot and very honestly in the last few weeks, and always in Spanish. Mariava is one of those people who are simply happy, wherever she is there is a party, she makes friends with everyone and we all have a better time when Mariava is there. She has always been very sincere and that quality of what you see is what you get, is one of the thousands that I love about her. Mariava and I never talked about her first daughter, María Alesia. When I asked her if she wanted to be part of this month, I also invited her to send me to hell if she wanted, because in real life, it was the first time we talked about this. Mariava posted a photo on Instagram in April 2013, her first Instagram photo “Happy week 18 María Alesia Galavis”. Later I remember that they put a photo on a hospital bed with different facial expressions from who they are, that photo no longer exists. A few weeks ago, nine years after this and having talked to Mariava about everything and nothing throughout the years, we finally talked about María Alesia and her. These are parts of some of the messages that Mariava sent me:

"The truth is I was thinking about what to send you and I can't think of anything from that time... But if I thought of a great learning…. I don't know if it works... I think that the important exercise to do is to give thanks for everything we have in the present and not worry so much about the future and stop looking for perfection. Make a list and give thanks for 5 things. In my particular case, I lost the baby because I had a procedure done to see if she was healthy, and she was perfect... If I had asked people with more experience for their opinion and had humbly understood my immaturity and how childish I was… I didn’t know half of what I thought I knew... The truth is that on the other hand, I think everything happens for a reason… When I got pregnant with María Alesia I didn't feel very ready either… in my immaturity I wasn't taking care of myself and obviously I was excited but I felt kind of overwhelmed…. I enjoyed the pregnancy of “La China” and David much more, but I insist…. I think my immaturity and unnecessary feelings do not justify anything that happened…. I think I screwed up everywhere in all the decisions made and everything for thinking that I knew everything…. And then my actions had consequences for everyone…. Even for innocent souls who had neither voice nor vote... I think I've never told anyone other than David all this and the truth is you don't know how good it feels. I think it's a matter of not seeing me vulnerable or as “pavosa” hahaha but without a doubt those little souls deserve recognition "

I read the conversation right now and I feel the same as I felt talking to Mariava that day, anger at not being able to show her what I see and anger at not being able to hug that version of her that blames herself for too many things. As I told her that day, “You did what you thought was best at the time. We can be very very harsh judging and looking "backwards", think that you say and know all of that now, because a long time has passed and nothing is as it was before. At the time you made those decisions because you really thought it was for the best." I know, I’m wonderful at giving advice and wise words, but I know exactly what is happening to Mariava, because I also speak to myself that way sometimes, although logic tells me otherwise. Another thing about my conversations with Mariava that made me explode was that she, the ray of light and happiness for all of us, called herself a "pavosa" - for non-Venezuelans, she called herself someone who brings bad luck - and that hit me in the soul! If you’ve read some previous posts you’ve read that that feeling of wanting to hide because you're embarrassed that your baby died, or you don't want to be the one who "gives that to other women'', is something VERY strong. That day I told Mariava what I tell the world and what I repeat to myself like a mantra: “NEVER pavosa!!! Your story can help so many people. If I had known that death was an option at 37 weeks of a perfect pregnancy, I would not have let them send me home after spending the whole day in the hospital telling them that something was wrong. I would’ve knocked down the walls for them to take her out. It sounds stupid, but I didn't know it was an option because I never knew someone who had that happen to, I never saw a movie where that happened. Really, that was not an option in my mind. Now I prefer that the people who know me know that it can happen and that, if they can, they take matters into their own hands” And the same thing happened with Mariava and María Alesia. She did not have a point of reference, she hadn’t even seen it as fiction in a movie. You have no clue of what can go wrong, and as a doctor tells you that what you are doing is fine, you think (sometimes against your instincts) that you are obviously doing the right thing. Mariava asked me to put this: In my case a doctor recommended that I should consult with someone, and because of my immaturity, decided I knew better (Mariava's words). We cannot judge issues from our past with information from the present, and this applies to everything in our lives.

I feel honoured to have Mariava as a friend, I feel that she is an AMAZING mother to her three children, those who are with her and María Alesia who is magical land, where she lives. Mariava has taught me many things in life apart from laughing and being happy, but today I am going to focus on her idea of ​​living more in the present, which is what exists and what we have to work on. One of the things for which I am 1,000,000% grateful is to have friends like Mariava, who show me parts of them that make me love and admire more every day.