Day 13: Call a family member and remind them you love them

My friend Amelia is another of the connections I started during remote work. We met in September 2019, when she joined my team and I went on mat leave with Apolline. She was secretly (and terrifyingly) pregnant at the time and when she told her manager about her anxiety about this pregnancy, they said “talk to Mariana”. That manager didn’t give much explanation or clarity to his comments, but Amelia thought: sure? And then I went over to her desk (she says, I don’t remember), introduced myself and said bye as I went on mat leave.

A whole 1.5 years passed before we had that chat, as she also went on leave and then I did a rotation on a different team. 

Amelia and I now have weekly (or even daily chats!) about everything and I am so glad she is in my life. We sometimes have a work catchup and then end up sharing waaaay more info than normal people would expect to have on a work setting. But that’s the thing with me and Amelia, we were supposed to meet and I think we see a bit of a safe place in each other. Like me, Amelia is far away from her family and is also obsessed with food (everyone should be). She also sees emotional intelligence as the most important one and is always willing to help others, even if she also has to go and venture for answers. I wish Amelia could see herself the way I see her (but that’s a different story!).

Today you will also have first hand story telling, as Amelia wrote what she wanted to share about her journey:

When I first got pregnant, I was completely ignorant to the possibility of a miscarriage. So days before my 12 week scan, it took me by complete surprise when I started to cramp during a meeting at work. I rushed to the toilet and spent the longest and worst moments of my life having minor contractions and bleeding. I remember holding the fetal remains in toilet paper and wondering what to do with it - should I take it home and keep my baby? Or should I flush it down the toilet? I threw it away and cleaned up the stall while holding back my tears. This was the first time I truly understood the harsh reality of the statistic of 'one in four women miscarrying'. 

The next year, we were elated to be pregnant again. Slightly cautious this time, I got an early scan to check all was ok. I was careful with what I ate and how I exercised. We walked into our 12 week scan feeling positive and excited. What I remember is the silence of the sonographer as she moved the scan around and my husband squeezing my hand so hard. I was the last to realise that there was no heartbeat on the monitor. We had another miscarriage. Because this had to be surgically removed, the doctors reported that it was a molar pregnancy. This is a problem with the fertilised egg which Asian women are more at risk of. I learnt a lot during my two miscarriages - plenty about the medical support of the NHS, the biological evolution of a baby during pregnancy, but mostly about how strong I am and how much I wanted to be a mother. 

I can report that a couple of years after her molar pregnancy, Amelia was lucky enough to be able to bring a baby home in March 2020. To some, you will think that she got her happily ever after, and by all accounts she is VERY happy to have a healthy son when some people never get that privilege. But let me tell you something, none of those losses are magically fine after you hit the jackpot of bringing a baby home. Half of the time, you still can’t believe those humans are here and sometimes you even question how you got so lucky. I know I miss Olivia every day of my life, just as much as I know Amelia wishes her first 2 babies made it home with them. Yes, the pain certainly feels easier to manage (at least for me), but please never assume (or say out loud) that the arrival of siblings makes the world and our experiences ok.

Amelia’s activity is actually a crafted one from the original one, the conversation went like this:

A: I was thinking of 'making dumplings' as my activity. I just don't know if it's too difficult.  It's quite a therapeutic activity that you do with the family and my sister and I did it lots virtually during Covid

M: 100% too difficult 🤣🤣🤣 Tell me more as to why you thought about that and let’s give it a twist

A: Ok ok. How about calling a family member to say "I love you".

M: If that is what gets you through the tough times then I love it! Whatever happy memories you had of those times or what helped you get out of bed

A: Well it's an adaptation of the dumplings. Because what I really loved was just chatting to my sister. Us knowing that the other was there

I don’t want to limit anyone’s abilities, so please go ahead and make some dumplings! One thing is for sure, all humans want to feel appreciated and know that they matter. So go and call your family, may it be the one you were born into or the one you made for yourself, and tell them you love them. Thanks for this and your friendship Amelia, I love you!