Capture Your Grief - Day 5. The Unspoken
What an impressive change from yesterday's happy post... Today's prompt? "Share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common." To be completely honest, my mind is not in the right place today for this.
I had a great day with Amazing Mums talking precisely about all of the unspoken things and it was great because they all get it! There is no judgement and no effort to say the right thing, we all say what's on our minds exactly how it comes out and we are always understood. Awesome Mums also don't make me feel bad when I say what I think because it's nothing they haven't thought about themselves so they will never hurt me with their answers or questions. To be fair to the world, we know everyone means well and nobody is ever out to hurt a bereaved mother, but so many people unfortunately do... Even close friends and family can say things or ask questions that although meant with love, can send me down to a horrible place where I can't get myself out of and where I sometimes end up resenting them; even when I love them with all my heart. I would love to think that the world understands and that they don't judge me, but they do... I judge myself all the time and I am a bit mean to me...
A strange thing a bout my grief? All the horrible thoughts and feelings I have... I have NEVER in my life had so many dark thoughts, so it feels extremely foreign to me whenever they come. The day we left the hospital I looked and felt like shit and I had this sense of entitlement, like the world owed me something. At least some sort of badge for being able to cope with 9 months of pregnancy, labour and all the things that come after (i.e. your boobs leaking milk, insane hair loss, etc.) but no baby to enjoy and say "it was all worth is because I get to hug Olivia". No, I didn't get a badge and I don't have more respect from the world, because quite simply, but horribly: The world has no clue of what's going on...
There's a universal truth in all cultures: pregnant women are special. We walk like we own the place and people (for the most part) give up seats for you and even smile more, because you are literally creating a life! Once you have your bundle of joy, you look tired, 4 months pregnant with a weird pouch and you might smell because you haven't had time to shower. But, you are also special, because you are walking down the park with your baby strapped in the brand new Ergobaby 360 or you are pushing her in her CityMini GT stroller (both things I had for Olivia). So the world doesn't mind that you are not looking your finest, because the dark circles around the eyes and weird positions when sitting down due to hemorrhoids, are all badges of honour because your baby cries and stops when you, her mother, picks her up...
I don't have said baby to show, so I sometimes look like a hobo (aka recogelatas), that hasn't showered in days, whose eyes can barely be open because they are so swollen and that has a suspicious pouch that looks like a blend between 4 months pregnant and a weird beer belly. The thing is, the world doesn't understand that I haven't showered because I can't leave my bed sometimes, that I can't open my eyes because I've been crying more than I've been awake (I have also started to cry in my sleep!) and that I have that pouch because I just gave birth to the most perfect baby girl the world has ever seen... The world doesn't understand because I have no baby to show them and sometimes I wish I could scream I TOO GAVE BIRTH TO A DAUGHTER, HER NAME IS OLIVIA!!!!
I am glad to report that I'm having less hobo days lately, but I still get weird looks when sometimes I am walking down the street and something triggers my "active" grief, and I am simply unable to stop crying. It doesn't matter where I am, I've cried in the park, in the supermarket, in Frankfurt's train station, in church, almost every restaurants bathroom I've been to since June, you name it!
I can see how this post sounds more a series of angry complaints and sentences that trigger self pity, but I did say I wan't in the right place for this... But I am trying to go somewhere with this, I promise!
Going back to the foreign thoughts... When I take a look at myself and I allow myself to truly feel my feelings, and I see the "normal" mums whose babies and children are here, I sometimes feel jealousy and anger. I would never wish this on anyone and I smile when I see said women because they look so happy, and they deserve to be happy! I mean, your baby is here so PLEASE enjoy everything that comes with that! But behind my smile there is sometimes the most intense jealousy and anger I have ever felt, not because I don't want them to have it (I'm all up for world's over population), but because I'm quite simply devastated to see in front of me what I wish I had...
The Ergobaby 360 I got for Olivia but that she'll never get to use but that EVERY mum in my neighborhood is using