Day 21: Donate money or time to a charity

Mareike and I met (I think) on my third Sands support meeting, the first day time one. It was in someone’s house and I remembered hearing her son Jack was born in the same hospital as Olivia. I started having an imaginary conversation with her and asked if she had the same midwives, what did she think of the room, was she lucky enough to have pictures, has she met the bereavement person there… The list was endless. I thought that would’ve been my first conversation close to normal when women give birth and share stories about their experiences with other moms. I was craving that kind of normalcy, I was desperate to share my experience because after all, I also gave birth! Only I was too scared to speak out loud and nobody wanted to hear my story.  

Except Mareike had the same reaction! When we left (Pierre was there with me too) she ran to us and asked to walk to the station together. Guess what? We actually had one of the same midwives and we indeed give birth in the same room, just 29 days after. For the first time, I felt like I didn’t have to hide and I could also share something positive about mine and Olivia’s birth story. We have been very good friends ever since and we still talk about our births and that midwife.

I love that when I asked Mareike to tell me more about Jack and his story so I could honour him and be accurate she said: “Maybe keep it quite short, perhaps about it being a perfect pregnancy that ended very badly way past the point we expected anything to go wrong… Maybe how he was perfect 🥰” She then sent me this:

“We went to our final check up on my due date and were told: next time we see you will probably be for the birth! Which is what happened 6 days later, but not the way we expected. 

We went to hospital after I had been having contractions for a few hours, feeling so relieved we had made it to the hospital with what we thought was perfect timing. 

They checked us in and searched for a heartbeat, we were transferred to another room and heard the words from the consultant that you can't even comprehend at that point: i am so sorry but there is no heartbeat. 

Jack was born a little while later and he was perfect. 

They told us that he had his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck several times and that this was the most likely cause he died, i.e. that the oxygen supply got cut off as labour progressed. We spent two days with him to say goodbye. Still think about him every day and talk to his little siblings about him xxxxxxx”
I’d like to think that I know Mareike pretty well by now and this is the first time she wrote about Jack somewhere for the world to see. Her words are brief and powerful and if you are ever lucky enough to cross paths with her you’ll see just how awesome she is and how much she can talk about Jack for hours, just like any other mom does with her children. Mareike has taught me many things, not to be too angry with the world, to try to calmly assess a situation and to not lose hope. The last time I saw my sister in law she had my newborn nephew in her arms and she said: this will be you very soon!  That was never me ever with Olivia. When I was pregnant with Eloise, Mareike had just had her second son and we ran into each other at the hospital and she said: this will be you very soon! I had completely forgotten about the moment I heard that before and how wrong things went after. I cried a bit and told her and she made me feel so safe with the way she answered. That is who Mareike is, a safe place for me and for anyone who knows her. I know that Jack felt that every day of his life, his mum’s peacefulness, calm, love and the certainty that as long as he was with her, everything would be fine.