Capture Your Grief - Day 17. Sacred Space
Happy Monday! Even though I'm writing this on a Tuesday because I simply could not get my self to write after Saturday... I was and still am, emotionally drained.
Some of today's questions are "Do you have a special place that you visit to be with your children? A place that you feel connected to?" - This is not black and white for me and I've been struggling with this a lot since we came back from the hospital, because I don't think I have a physical place where I feel closer to Olivia.
The obvious place would be her nursery, right? Not for me. When we were at the hospital, I asked my sister and mana to do a SWAT team operation and take everything out of Olivia's room and hide it somewhere (it's in my Mana's house). I know that at the moment I thought it was the best decision, but I've struggled a lot with not seeing her stuff here and everyday brings me closer to wanting o get it all back just to see it but I'm terrified of how bad it will be.
The next one people would think is the cemetery, and this is where things get a bit insane for me. Olivia's ashes are buried in a beautiful place in France right besides Pierre's dad where I day dream they are having a great time. To be fair, it was my idea to take her there since I truly think it's lovely and very peaceful and I love that she is next to her grandfather. Pierre and I might leave London at some point and I just couldn't do that knowing that Olivia would be left alone here, instead I prefer her being close to where her grandmother lives, where she will always be visited. But, I am having some issues with this at the moment because I hate that I can't just walk to wherever she is and be with her for hours. Instead, I have to plan in advance, get a Eurostar ticket and then someone has to drive me to spend planned time there... I hate that it all feels so forced and that I can't just rock up when I need to be with her; this actually hurts a lot lately.
Then I have her bench, the place where we will have a memorial plaque and where I hope many people will have a chance to visit and talk to her. I go there at least twice a week, even if just to say hi (I actually say it out loud), but then my mind goes to the awful place that says: Who or what are you saying hi to? There is nothing of Olivia in there so you're just talking to the air or an empty bench. I really hope this feeling changes once the plaque is there...
Then there is the actual sacred space where I always connect with Olivia, and that is my mind... I truly believe that she can hear my thoughts when she wants to and sometimes, when I allow myself to enter the dangerous place of missing her, I can feel her can on my face or our noses against each other doing naricitas. When those magical moments come, I can be anywhere and I would call it sacred. I do need to be very careful though, because the more I allow myself to be lifted by that, the higher I fall from when reality comes back and I realise that all of that is just a memory, and not a moment that I will be able to experience again in this lifetime.
Today's sunset from Olivia's bench - Moments like this are sacred to me