Now and then

I hate neglecting this website, I often have ideas of thoughts I’d like to explore and write here, even if nobody reads. Then life gets in the way and fast forward to me falling asleep and never sitting down to write a word and feeling horrible about it. What is it with mothers and guilt, when will it end!? Not today… today I want to leave my mark here even if it makes no sense, has spelling/grammar mistakes or not a soul reads it.

I think I’ve talked about this in the past or at least I’ve mentioned it, there are so many things I’ve lost because Olivia died. In my (sometimes toxic) positive nature, I do have times when I try to focus on the things Olivia has given me: a more profound understanding of grief, a bigger appreciation for happy moments, an ability to be devastated and elated at the same time and some other “focus on the bright side” stuff. 

I don’t want to write about those “positives”. I could’ve learned those in a different way and I am 100% sure that I was already a pretty awesome and empathetic person before Olivia died.

I want to be annoyed at the things I’ve lost. The uncomplicated friendships that don’t seem to fully recover from my time away from reality. The sense of freedom that comes with being able to enjoy a moment before an intrusive thought slams death all over it. The pure joy of not having a clue about how wrong things can go when you least expect it. The career path I had when I loved working and hitting targets was big on my priority list and I was truly great at it. The confidence I had when I thought the sky was the limit and not a Thursday evening with someone telling me Olivia’s heart wasn’t beating. 

Most of all, I miss me. I miss everything about me before the 16th of June 2016. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very awesome and I do love this version of myself, but I miss the less beat up model. I was less complicated to deal with and that has had repercussions on so many relationships and ideas of what my life was going to be at this stage in my life. That is the thing about expectations, setting them is hyper important (to me) but such a double edged sword when things go sideways.

I have no wise end to this or a particular agenda, but I needed to share this, since this website has always been about hopefully helping someone walking this alternate reality. Yes friend, we survive and we have carried on with life. I made a conscious decision to stay alive one day and to try and make a life worth living. I have a great life, Olivia is always part of our family and I laugh hard more often than not. But please don’t be fooled or feel pressured to only focus on that. It’s ok to miss them, miss you and miss the life you had and were supposed to have before they died. We never move on, we always move forward with them right besides us.